Star Wars in under 60 seconds
by 2ndHandGuitar
Summary: The title says it all. ROTJ now up! Please review and you might get to see the prequels up, too! Freakishly, that rhymes...
1. A New Hope

**Luke:** La la la, clean the droids...

**3PO:** We were in the Rebellion.

**Luke:** Awesome. Hey your friend ran away.

**Obi-Wan:** What are you doing out here?

**Luke:** Depends. What are you doing out here?

**Obi-Wan:** _Kids these days._ Hey did ya know your father was a powerful Jedi?

**Luke**: Now I do.

**Obi-Wan**: (sigh) Have this neato sword. Come with me to Alderaan

**Luke**: Thanks, no thanks.

**Obi-Wan:** Your aunt and uncle are dead.

**Luke**: Hey you're right! Fine Let's go.

**Han**: I love this! I get to brag about my ship, and then I get...wait, hey I can do this...15 plus 2 is...17,000 thousand credits!

**Chewie**: Yeah, you're a real math wiz.

**Luke**: (in best Klingon accent) Your ship is a garbage scow.

**Han**: Grrrrrrrr

**Obi-Wan:** O-kay! Let's get a move on.

**Han**: _Where_ am I taking you?

**Luke**: This Jedi stuff is cool!

**Han**: No it's not.

**Obi-Wan:** Shut up.

**Han**: DON"T UPSET THE WOOKIEE! Hey ya know this planet we're trying to get to? It's not there.

**Obi-Wan:** But there is a rather round and dangerous space-station over there.

**Han**: Let's go!

**Obi-Wan**: I'll go off and shut down the tractor beam. Then, I think I'll get killed by my former apprentice. But, you don't know that.

**Luke**: I wanna go! (whine)

**Obi-Wan:** Down, Luke.

**Luke**: (pout)

**Han**: I'm bored.

**Luke**: Let's barge into the dentention center.

**Han**: Only if I get money.

**Luke**: Fine. Handcuff the Wookiee for me, will ya?

_Fighting blasting fighting crashing banging smoke dust_

**Leia**: You're short.

**Luke**:...You're pretty.

**Han**: Stop gawking, and think of a plan!

**Leia**: Down here!

**Han and Luke and Chewie and Leia:** Eww.

**Han**: Great, just lovely.

**Luke**: (drowns loudly)

**Han**: Hey the walls are moving in!

**Leia**: Idiot! Brace it with something.

**Luke**: 3PO?

**3PO**: Yeah.

**Luke**: Help us!

**3PO**: OK.

**Han and Leia:** We're alive! (Hug each other) Bleh.

**Leia**: I think I'll order you around.

**Han**: Fine, but you better pay me.

**Obi-Wan**: (dies)

**Luke**: NOOOOOOOO

**Han**: Quit you're whining. Let's go to hyperspace.

**Millennium Falcon:** Let's not.

**Han**: Bad word bad word bad word

**Luke**: (blowing up TIE fighters) Bang bang bang woohoo! I'm not sad now that I get to blow things up!

_Back at base..._

**Han**: I'm leaving.

**Luke**: Bye. I'm going to go blow up the Death Star.

_Fighter pilots rush at Death Star. Luke is about to be severely mangled when Han comes._

**Han**: Hey, kid! Miss me?

**Luke**: Great timing...mumble mumble

**Han**: Whatever.

**Luke**: (Blows up Death Star) YAY!

**Han**: And now we get medals!

**Luke**: Double YAY!

**Chewie**: RAWR!

**R2-D2**: What? I don't get any lines? Woah, I mean Beeoop Whistle.


	2. The Empire Strikes Back

((It just keeps getting weirder and weirder! Review it if you appreciate my wacko sense of humor))

**Luke:** Tell me again. Why did we put our top secret base on a spherical refrigerator?

**Han: **It's ice cube, you nerd!

**Luke: **What ever. I'm going to go check out an asteroid.

_Back at base..._

**Han:** I'm gonna leave.

**Rieekan:** OK.

**Han:** Yeah, bye. Has anyone seen, Luke?

**3PO:** No, sir!

**Han**: I'll go get him. (sigh) I'm going out into the cold...all by my lonesome...

**Leia:** YAY!

_In the cold, cold snow..._

**Ben**: You will go to the Dagobah Syst--

**Luke**: I know! I've seen the movie a billion times.

**Han**: Too late! Luke's dead.

**Taun-taun**: (dies)

**Han:** And what d'ya know? So is the freaky llama! I'll just put Luke in here...

**Luke:** Gah! I'm alive!

_In the hospital..._

**Leia:** Han, your so vain.

**Han:** Thanks!

**Leia:** I'm gonna kiss my brother just for that.

**Han:** Ew! No, please don't.

**Expendable Extra:** Imperials are attacking!

**Luke:** (destroys Walkers) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Han:** Let's get on my ship! I promise it won't die this time.

**Leia:** We shall see about that...(fiddles with sledgehammer in pocket)

**Luke:** C'mon R2! Let's go to a swampy muddy yucky planet!

**R2:** Finally! Some decent lines! Wait...did he say yucky?

**Han: **o0o0o look at all the big potatoes!

**Leia: **Your nuts. Like there was never any doubt...

**Han:** Let's get eaten by a space worm.

**3PO:** Oh, my!

_Back on Dagobah..._

**Luke**: Hey little gremlin! Do you know and Jedi masters?

**Yoda:** I am one!

**Luke:** Oh...this is...awkward. Train me please!

**Yoda:** You're too old.

**Luke:** What? I'm eighteen...or so.

**Yoda**: Ha! You are a reckless teenager.

**Luke:** Oh, c'mon.

**Yoda:** Fine. Run through the forest for a bit.

**Han:** Cool. We're stuck on the back of an imperial ship.

**Leia:** Cool!

**Han:** Romantic, huh sweetie?

**Leia:** Shut up.

_Still on Dagobah..._

**Luke**: My friends are in danger!

**Yoda**: Don't' leave! I still have to make the cookies!

**Luke**: I'll be back, master! Really!

**Yoda**: Kids these days...

_Bespin..._

**Lando**: I'm Lando Calrissian and we are absolutely positively not hiding Darth Vader anywhere here. Anywhere.

**Vader**: (breathe) Yes. I am not here.

**Han**: O-kay.

**Vader**: (torturing Solo) This is fun. I wonder what would happen if I stuck him in carbonite?

**Han**: (sad smuggler eyes)

**Vader**: Fool! I am resistant to cuteness!

**Han**: Drat! Works on Chewie...

**Leia**: I love you.

**Han**: Yup.

**Leia**: ...

**Lando**: I'm really a nice guy. I help save Han and destroy the second Death Star.

**Leia**: OK.

**Luke**: Have no fear! Luke Skywalker is he-- Where is everyone?

**Vader**: Luke, I am your father.

**Luke**: Hey pops. Don't' kill me please.

**Vader**: I get to hurt you though. (chops off Luke's hand)

**Luke**: Nooooooo (falls down very deep hole)

**Leia**: We have to save Luke!

**Luke**: I'm saved! YAY! Now lets go get Han.


	3. Return of the Jedi

((A slightly longer version for Return of the Jedi. Had to be so I could include all the funny stuff. Review, please! Enjoy!))

**Vader**: Speed up construction, and clean up around here. The Emperor's coming, and I don't want him to see any Doritos on the floor.

**R2**: o0o0o Let's go into this awesome palace.

**3PO**: Please, no!

**Luke**: Oh, Great Almighty Jabba the Hutt, you are so Great and Almighty. Oh yeah and can I have Han back, please?

**Jabba**: No! You will not ruin my feng shui. Guards! Make the tall golden droid my servant.

**3PO**: Please, no!

**R2**: Is that all you say?

**3PO**: No, it's just what the author writes for me. (Author brandishes large trout) Please, no! (Author hits 3PO with large trout)

**Leia**: Here, Jabba. Have a Wookiee.

**Jabba**: Thanks. Put him in a cell.

**Leia**: (pushes buttons on carbonite chamber.)

**Han**: GASP! I'm alive! Who are you?

**Leia**: Someone who likes you...(wink wink)

**Han**: No! Not a fan-girl! Sorry sweetie I can't see you winking.

**Leia**: Drat.

**Jabba**: Gotcha!

**Leia**: Double drat.

**Luke**: Have no fear! Luke Skywalker is here!

**Jabba**: Same old stuff.

**Luke**: (falls into Rancor pit)

**Rancor**: Fe Fi Fo Fum. I'm gonna use Lukey for chewing gum...

**Luke**: (escapes) Nah nah nah nah nah!

**Jabba**: I will now execute you all in a most painful fashion. Except the female...

**Han**: Hey Luke.

**Luke**: What?

**Han**: Thanks for rescuing me.

**Luke**: Oh, gosh golly gee Han. You're welcome!

**Han**: (sigh)

**Luke**: Weeeeeeeeee I can fly I can fly I can fly I can fly...

**Lando**: Han...A little help here.

**Han**: Sorry, buddy, can't spare any money right now, but--oh. That kind of help. Dangle me over the side of this thing will ya, Chewie?

**Lando**: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shoulda stayed on Bespin. Shoulda stayed on Bespin.

**Luke**: Look we're all alive!

**George Lucas**: What happened to that cool fight scene?

**Author**: Sorry, this is Star Wars in under 60 seconds. No time.

**Leia**: I need a change of clothes.

**Han**: What's wrong with--

**Leia**: Shut up, nerf herder.

**Luke**: I'm off to see the Jedi! The wonderful Yoda of Dagobah!

**Yoda**: Good to see you again, young one. (dies)

**Luke**: No, master Yoda you can't die!

**Yoda**: (dead) To late! I'm gone!

**Luke**: (confused) OOOOK.

**Ben**: Hi, again!

**Luke**: Hi! Is Leia my sister?

**Ben**: Um, yes. But don't tell Vader!

**Luke**: K. Bye.

**Ben**: Bye! (smiling and muttering) He's doomed.

**Ackbar**: General Solo, is your shuttle team ready to go on a hopeless suicide mission to Endor?

**Han**: Yesiree.

**Leia**: Woah! General? How did you go from lowlife smuggler to General and famous war hero?

**Han**: Funny little thing, movie-making.

**Luke**: I'm back!

**Han**: Great! (with only slight air of sarcasm)

_On endor..._

**Han**: Grab some speeder bikes and go do a cool chase scene.

**Luke and Leia:** Okay!

**Luke**: We did it just like you said, Han, but now Leia's gone.

**Han**: Lovely.

**Chewie**: RAWR!

**Luke**: No, Chewie don't!

**Han**: Thank you, Chewbacca. I've always wanted to be dangling from a tree in a net.

**R2**: Heh heh I will let them drop to their doom.

**Luke**: Whew! We're alive still!

**R2**: Drat.

**Ewok**: Worship the Golden One.

**3PO**: Oh, my.

**Han**: 3PO, HELP! Hm. I never thought I'd say that.

**3PO**: Actually I think you'd be rather tasty, Captain Solo.

**Luke** (uses the Force to dump 3PO out of his chair.)

**Ewoks**: o0o0o0o0o0o0o

**Han**: Thanks. Hey, look it's Leia!

**Random Rebels:** I think we should go turn the shield generator off now...

**Luke**: Oh, right. Hey, look I gotta leave...

**Leia**: Why?

**Luke**: I can't really explain, especially not the part about you being my sister and Vader our father.

**Leia**: Um...

**Luke**: See ya!

_Fight ensues. Ewoks fighting stormtroopers and all that jazz. Ewoks win. Shield generator blows up. _

**Lando**: WOOHOO!

**Lando's fish co-pilot thingy**: Yeah! What he said.

**Luke**: Hi, dad.

**Vader**: I will take you to the Emperor.

**Luke**: Fine. But I get to chop your hand off.

**Vader**: Ow...hey when I chopped your hand off, I didn't really mean it, you know that right?

**Emperor**: Turn to the darkside!

**Luke**: No.

**Emperor**: Please?

**Luke**: No.

**Emperor**: We've got cookies...

**Luke**: Well...no.

**Emperor**: Fine. (zaps Luke)

**Luke**: Daddy, save me!

**Vader**: (picks up Emeperor and throws him down one of those never ending shafts. Vader dies.)

**Luke**: I'll just burn this...

**Death Star**: KABOOM!

**Rebels**: Yay! We won!

**Han**: You like Luke, don't ya?

**Leia**: Yeah, he's my brother why wouldn't I?

**Han**: He's your brother? And you kissed him? Yuck.

**Leia**: Kiss and make up?

**Han**: Okay.

**Luke**: (running in) Ewwwww.

**Author**: Hey, I don't think this is 'under 60 seconds' anymore Let's wrap it up here people.

**Everyone**: Okay, then. PARTY!


End file.
